Planning Implications of the Creation of Earth
In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a enforcement action for failure to obtain planning permission or submit an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly project, but was stymied with the Warning Notice for the earthly part.
Appearing at the subsequent court hearing for failing to accept the Warning Notice, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be noise? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.
God then sought outline permission to make light, assuring officials that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain all necessary licences, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God suggested a number of conditions for permission and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The Parks Department agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Planning officials pointed out this would require approval from the Wildlife Service coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. The Planners informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a Council meeting, a series of public consultation hearings. Then there would be 10-12 months before...
At this point God created Hell!
living in the United States, and said. "Once again,
the earth has become wicked and overpopulated and I
see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark
and save two of everything living along with a few
good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six
months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain for forty days and forty nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard... but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord" begged Noah "but things have
changed. I need a building permit. I've been arguing
with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler
system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my
yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond
be posted for future costs of moving power lines for
the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would
be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on
cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an
animal rights group. They insisted that I was
confining wild animals against their will. As well,
they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a
confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
they conducted an environmental impact study on your
proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Humane Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew.
Also, the trade union say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire union workers with Ark building
experience.
To make things worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten
years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, you're
not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
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